Chris Berman's Top 10 Plays of 2007

Unfortunately, due to a massive, badass hangover that I had on New Years Day, I happened to miss the SportsCenter following the New Years Eve Holiday. The fact that I personally blame this hangover on the "credit crunch" (or for the non I-Banker "poor people not paying their mortgages") is neither here nor there. What I have been left with is merely dreams of what must have been the intriguing and intelligent look back on 2007 that only "Boomer" can provide, through his Top 10 Plays of the Year. I have been left with only my imagination about how such an event could have taken place, so I can only fantasize how it might have taken place:

Berman greets his viewers with his signature smile and stylish combination of blue jacket, red tie and no pants. He begins with a few words commemorating the New Year before he begins his Top 10 "Plays."

10. The New England Patriots perfect season. While showing no less than 25 plays, Berman is able to mention Bill Belicheck's coach of the year win, (I'm) Randy (Baby) Moss' and Tom (The) Brady (Bunch)'s respective touchdown records, as well as the incredible heart and determination the team has shown (especially Tedy (Bear) Brushchi).

9. Britney Spear's meltdown. The fact that is clearly not a play, nor the fact that it has nothing to do with sports does little to deter Boomer from analyzing Britney's breakup with her husband Kevin Fed(ex)erline , her pitiful MTV video awards performance, the media's allegations of drug use, as well as the subsequent loss of her children. The entire"play" lasts for approximately 10 minutes.

8. Kevin Garnett's Move to Boston. Boomer begins this highlight by talking about the emerging Celtics, but uses it as a platform to launch into the NBA season(s) as a whole. (Both 06-07 and 07-08) He discusses the merits of Tim Duncan and the championship Spurs, the resurgent Pistons, and the Warriors victory over the Dallas Mavericks. (tear) He then talks for 15 minutes about (Tiny) Tim Dongahy.

7. Chris Berman's divorce from his wife of 20 years. Berman surprisingly speaks little about the subject, mumbles something about insisting his wife call him "Boomer" while making love, and cries into the camera.

(Commercial Break)

6. ESPN forgets to have a number 6 play, and instead begins with...

5. George W. Bush. Berman fails to realize how unusual the decision to make the leader of the free world only the 5th best play of the year is, although I speculate it somehow pertains to Bush's low approval ratings. Anyhow, Berman takes 15 minutes of the viewers time to summarize some of Bush's important policy decisions of the last 365 days (and a couple that took place between 2003 and 2005). He ends with a montage of the Iowa Caucus (which technically took place in 2008) while screaming something about Barrack Obama (bin Laden) and (Catcher's) Mitt Romney.

4. The Mitchell Report. Before showing a series of clips of (The Rocket) Roger Clemens between the years of 2000 and 2007, Boomer lectures the viewer about the dangers of steroids. After mentioning some of the more prominent players involved, Berman shows the last three innings of the 2007 World Series. Before the next commercial break, Berman mentions Barry (My word is my) Bonds broke (Hammerin') Hank Aaron's career home run record. The entire play lasts about 50 minutes.

(Commercial Break)

3. Landing a man on the moon. Although this technically took place in 1969, Berman feels its important to remember , especially seeing as how the 40th anniversary of the incredible event is a mere year and a half away. While Berman fails to have much more to say than repeating "One small step for man...", the series of clips of the Cold War, John F. Kennedy's assassination, and Ronald (McDonald) Regan, remains powerful nonetheless. The ESPN editors neglect to show the clip of Neil (Stretch) Armstrong actually landing on the moon.

2. Golf. Chris returns from the commercial break and somehow manages to show highlights from every major on the PGA and LPGA tour, as well as several clips from emerging golfers on the Hooters and NCAA Tours. He ends with a 5 minutes tirade on how incredible Tiger (out of the) Woods has become, before showing a series of clips pertaining to Jack (The Golden Bear) Nickalaus and Byron (Half) Nelson, while muttering incoherent phrases about the major tournament victory record.

1. America. While speaking in front of the American flag, Berman tells everyone how happy he is to live in America, and how we should all be grateful to live in the "land of the free and home of...Brett Farve." (Berman pronounces if "FAV-RAY") A series of clips showing every completion Brett Farve has ever thrown is shown, while the National Anthem is played on repeat. The clips last for more than 3 hours. The clip ends with Berman saying Brett Farve (still pronounced "FAV-RAY") IS America, before Farve enters the ESPN studio. Boomer proceeds to blow Farve to orgasm on camera. After 3 awakward minutes, Berman looks back to the camera, and with some of America still on his face, wishes us all a Happy New Year.

Happy New Years